growing up ain't easy

GROWING UP AIN'T EASY

An ineffable feeling gripped me and it gripped me real hard; as I stood proud to enter the coveted gang of the debutante. 'twas a feeling comprising equal measures of fear, excitement and disenchantment. The feeling was worth the brooding, after all I had turned twenty. A splurge of emotions left me drenched in the plethora of things that lay behind me and the ones that lay ahead of me. Having lived my childhood in the best of its fervour, it was apparently the latter that was my prime concern. I discovered a strange part of myself that was not ready to grow up, not as yet. I came to a horrific realization that that part which was more than willing to be independent and make decisions for itself was now grudging and shivering at the mere thought of the freedom that was so handy. Surprisingly, I now want to go back to being the ingenuous child I once was. I want to run free and not act poised for the people(read:strangers) to judge me. I want to break free from the social norms and protocols that guide a person's behaviour. The eutopian world of which I was the denizen once was so oblivious of those protocols. The world that lies ahead is full of responsibilities and misgivings for the future.

The fear of parents has certainly abated and they repose a greater faith in me than before. I am to account for my own actions now and they would not meddle much in my decisions. Why doesn't the afore mentioned previliges in the written form elicit the same excitement in me than it once did. These, on the contrary, make me want to swallow a massive amount of saliva down my throat? Ma and pa used to reproach me when I went astray how am I to decide for myself now which one of the two alleys to choose from when they seem exactly the same? Whose support am I going to count on when I grope about in the dark, who would rescue me from that benighted place? I am battling within myself to get answers to all the obfuscating thoughts, that has my mind in a run. I am marooned in a maze and there is no way out. I am now a grown-up girl who needs to know for sure what she is doing.

It saddens me to know that the childhood days spent so recklessly have no existence beyond the realms of memories. It can only be vicariously enjoyed through a child. As a child myself I have had my bit of enjoyment with my siblings. We had the entire neighbourhood reeling under our fear, we were nearly of the same age group so the predicament of ma is needless to describe. The feline like fights amongst us, whilst ma resorted to smacking us before settling the entire matter is quite vivid and is present in the indelible slate of my memory. Time has made us move on in our respective spheres but the memories glue us together and it is very difficult to detach ourselves from it. It keeps coming back to us in unique forms only to make us reminisce the golden old days spent together and make us realize that amidst the superficial differences, the heart that beats down our bosom is connected through a divine string that has intertwined us together. This feeling comes especially at a time when one of us(the eldest) is close to tying the marriage knot. All those emotions are alive yet again, don't you feel like running in that blissful childhood where marriages are a far-fledged thought. It would make me so much happy to see 'HER' enter an entirely new family and embark upon a new life but at the same time a feeling of chagrin grips me to reminisce the time when we all were a bunch of ten or twelve years old. Had someone told us back then that we would get married years hence from then we would have debunked the very idea....(sigh)!

Time has brought me in the present again, funny how time can teleport in a flash. A voice inside me gives me the courage not to fear but on the contrary tells me to follow 'HER' suit by being successful and living my life in absolutely no regrets and the fullest of its spirits. The fear of growing up has now dispelled.

This blog is dedicated to my sister SUPRIYA BISHT who is tying the knot on 15th FEBRUAY !